Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm sorry we can not have sex in our bed. I spent 3 hours making it.

I had a roommate in college who made her bed every morning. She even placed her pillows and stuffed animals just so. My bed was lucky to have a sheet on it and if it did it hadn't been washed since Freshman year (It was only my own funk. Like I actually ever had sex in my college bed. Have you ever seen a dorm bed? I was lucky to fit into it. My criteria for being a booty call was that you had your own place, with a big bed. But I digress). I have to admit that her bed making skills did make her side of the room look more neat. I often would climb over everything on my floor,just to sit on her neatly made bed. I felt a sense of calm wash over me when I was there. It was akin to being in Tahiti.My side of the room was akin to New Orleans. After Katrina. Unfortunately for my roomie I would undoubtedly bring souvenirs from my side of the room. This led to the first of many rules my roommate laid out for me.
1. Do not eat in my bed (crumbs)
2. Do not read in my bed (waking up to being jabbed in the side with a text book)
3. Do not sit on my bed (your fat ass makes an imprint on my perfectly made bed)
4. Do not masturbate in my bed.

This last one I never did, nor would I ever do. However, if you have never been to college (or are about to go) I can assure you that this is a universal law of etiquette. It is also one that must be laid out because yes you could live with someone that might consider doing this (you can assure this will never happen by keeping your bed a disaster like mine).
I kept wishing that I could have an peaceful room like my friend. She tried to convince me that I could indeed do it. Making my bed would be a wonderful start.Ten years later I am finally getting around to it. This week's journey is about how the undercover housewife learns to make the bed.
First let me state that I see no purpose in making the bed. You sleep in it later that night. Plus I sleep like a tornado. Between my twitching, flipping and flailing, I also have night terrors. This involves me sitting up screaming in the middle of the night about people being in my room, smacking my poor husband, etc etc. In the morning the bed looks like some of Michael Vick's pitbulls had a cage match on it .

Exhibit A

However, I want to teach my daughter how to make a bed so I'm determined to figure out this domestic art. My first attempts were not successful.

Exhibit B

Yes much like my first attempt at college this was indeed a half-ass effort. So I tried again.
Now this might not look much better but I can explain. The design on our quilt must fit just so on our bed. Otherwise it looks strange. So I end up running from one side to the next tugging the one side, checking it and then running back to the other side to correct it again. Apparently I don't know my own strength because the above is what happens. It actually takes me about 5 tries to get it right. It makes me want our queen bed back instead of the king.

The other obstacle I face is hospital corners. Everyone I speak to says, "Don't worry about them!" but if I am going to do this I am going to do it right dammit! The problem I having though is that the sheets don't appear to be long enough. Perhaps someone can explain. Shouldn't all king sheets fit each mattress? Or are their special king size sheets for tall beds? In any case I spent about 3 days trying to wrestle the sheets to the perfect length and failed each time. It appears that hospital corners are not in my future.

Decorative pillows. I bought them because they look pretty but they always seem to lay scrumped up in the corner. I put them on my bed but because our regular pillows are so huge they float about with no purpose. I think what I need to do is buy more decorative pillows so it balances the other two out. My husband (and others that know me) are thinking "this will only lead to more pillows on the floor" but I have faith that purchasing more of the worthless item and not throwing out the ones I have is the best course of action. Why? Because decorative pillows are pretty.
I made my bed every day this week. Once you get into the routine of making the bed it becomes fairly simple. I actually feel lazy if I don't do it. The other amazing thing about making the bed? When I walk up our stairs it is the first thing I see. It distracts the eye from the piles of clothes all over the bedroom floor quite nicely. I will have to work on that another week.


  1. I have an issue with our comforter and bed skirt, it's annoying to have sheets showing between! I understand about the sheets too, I think it depends on if you have a feather top of if you have a dust/allergen cover on it too. That can make them seem like they are shrinking. I give you kudos for making the bed everyday. I try to make my side of it in the morning, but most days Alex is the last one out of bed, and training a husband can be harder than potty training a toddler or housebreaking a puppy! Love ya girlie =)

  2. Martha Stewart is my last, best hope at ever having a neat bed:


    Hope her craziness helps.