Sunday, June 28, 2009

So what your saying is most parents don't refer to their children as aids tested monkeys?

Pet names are a big thing in this family. The sillier they are the more love there is behind them. My husband fondly calls me crackhead, hot pants, sexy llama butt and so on. In return I refer to him as little lumpkin butt, my lamal (love of my life but with my spelling errors), cocky locky, my chocolate love torpedo etc. It only made sense that as soon as our daughter was born that we should shower her with our terms of love. Which is why I called her my little aids tested monkey.

No one seems to understand how we could call our little cherry blossom such a thing. Children should be called precious (which we do call her but we say it in the lord of the rings voice 'my precccciiooous), handsome, little man, princess etc. Occasionally we will call her a generic term. This typically occurs when we are sleep deprived and calling her "it" doesn't seem quite right.

I think our loving pet names fail to settle with some people. My one girlfriend's baby became cursed with the pet name Yoda. I don't think she was terribly pleased with this. I however think her child is the most adorable thing and I just want to shake him like a magic eight ball until he tells me my future (see this is the weird stuff I'm talking about). I haven't even seen Star Wars so I'm not quite sure who Yoda is. But I think he's some wise person, yes? Sensing that she did not seem quite at ease with the nickname I changed it to peanut brain. This is the exact opposite of Yoda and really doesn't sit well on my tongue. So I made up another one a few weeks later. That didn't work either. I suppose I could call him by his birth name but where is the fun in that? Mentally I will always call him Yoda and sing the Weird Al song in my head Ya-ya-ya-Yoda!

So in conclusion, since this post has gone no where, I like to express my love in weird ways. I'm usually a very serious individual and goofy nicknames make me smile. And nothing makes me happier then changing a horrible leaky, stinky diaper then calling my daughter (in the same baby ga ga ga voice you guys use) a little shit. She looks up at me with her big blue eyes, pees on my carpet and smiles. She smiles because she knows that is exactly what she is and we love her for it!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm sorry we can not have sex in our bed. I spent 3 hours making it.

I had a roommate in college who made her bed every morning. She even placed her pillows and stuffed animals just so. My bed was lucky to have a sheet on it and if it did it hadn't been washed since Freshman year (It was only my own funk. Like I actually ever had sex in my college bed. Have you ever seen a dorm bed? I was lucky to fit into it. My criteria for being a booty call was that you had your own place, with a big bed. But I digress). I have to admit that her bed making skills did make her side of the room look more neat. I often would climb over everything on my floor,just to sit on her neatly made bed. I felt a sense of calm wash over me when I was there. It was akin to being in Tahiti.My side of the room was akin to New Orleans. After Katrina. Unfortunately for my roomie I would undoubtedly bring souvenirs from my side of the room. This led to the first of many rules my roommate laid out for me.
1. Do not eat in my bed (crumbs)
2. Do not read in my bed (waking up to being jabbed in the side with a text book)
3. Do not sit on my bed (your fat ass makes an imprint on my perfectly made bed)
4. Do not masturbate in my bed.

This last one I never did, nor would I ever do. However, if you have never been to college (or are about to go) I can assure you that this is a universal law of etiquette. It is also one that must be laid out because yes you could live with someone that might consider doing this (you can assure this will never happen by keeping your bed a disaster like mine).
I kept wishing that I could have an peaceful room like my friend. She tried to convince me that I could indeed do it. Making my bed would be a wonderful start.Ten years later I am finally getting around to it. This week's journey is about how the undercover housewife learns to make the bed.
First let me state that I see no purpose in making the bed. You sleep in it later that night. Plus I sleep like a tornado. Between my twitching, flipping and flailing, I also have night terrors. This involves me sitting up screaming in the middle of the night about people being in my room, smacking my poor husband, etc etc. In the morning the bed looks like some of Michael Vick's pitbulls had a cage match on it .

Exhibit A

However, I want to teach my daughter how to make a bed so I'm determined to figure out this domestic art. My first attempts were not successful.

Exhibit B

Yes much like my first attempt at college this was indeed a half-ass effort. So I tried again.
Now this might not look much better but I can explain. The design on our quilt must fit just so on our bed. Otherwise it looks strange. So I end up running from one side to the next tugging the one side, checking it and then running back to the other side to correct it again. Apparently I don't know my own strength because the above is what happens. It actually takes me about 5 tries to get it right. It makes me want our queen bed back instead of the king.

The other obstacle I face is hospital corners. Everyone I speak to says, "Don't worry about them!" but if I am going to do this I am going to do it right dammit! The problem I having though is that the sheets don't appear to be long enough. Perhaps someone can explain. Shouldn't all king sheets fit each mattress? Or are their special king size sheets for tall beds? In any case I spent about 3 days trying to wrestle the sheets to the perfect length and failed each time. It appears that hospital corners are not in my future.

Decorative pillows. I bought them because they look pretty but they always seem to lay scrumped up in the corner. I put them on my bed but because our regular pillows are so huge they float about with no purpose. I think what I need to do is buy more decorative pillows so it balances the other two out. My husband (and others that know me) are thinking "this will only lead to more pillows on the floor" but I have faith that purchasing more of the worthless item and not throwing out the ones I have is the best course of action. Why? Because decorative pillows are pretty.
I made my bed every day this week. Once you get into the routine of making the bed it becomes fairly simple. I actually feel lazy if I don't do it. The other amazing thing about making the bed? When I walk up our stairs it is the first thing I see. It distracts the eye from the piles of clothes all over the bedroom floor quite nicely. I will have to work on that another week.