Thursday, September 17, 2009

The most important year of my life

So the child is napping and I'm eating cherry light yogurt. The combination of these things is making me feel sentimental. That and I haven't posted in a long time.
Karrington turned one year old a few weeks ago so I figured this Blog should be about my hopes for her.

Those that know me understand I am an introspective, sensitive, constantly rehashing the past type of person. And nothing has made me think more about my past then watching my daughter grow this first year. Not only have I thought about my youth (teens and twenties) but I am constantly thinking of how I want hers to be different.

My husband and I laughed when a old high school friend commented on how confident I was in high school. My husband replied "You must have been one hell of an actor" and I suppose I was. That or I was just really good at hiding everything that was going on in my life. Neither of these things seem to be positive characteristics.

If I had to say the first word that came to my mind when thinking about my past it would be shame. I look back and shudder at choices I made. From certain people I chose to love or allow into my personal life to actions I preformed, I can't help but be embarrassed by how little I must have thought about myself to make such choices. I'm sure a shrink (and there have been many) would have a field day tracing it back to my desperate need of love or some Freudian need of a penis.

I'm certain I am not alone in these thoughts. Everyone has their own personal shame, things in their past that they hope to god their children never repeat. The question is how do we prevent it? Can we? If we remove the threats of kidnappers, pedophiles and teen pregnancy, this is one of my biggest fears as a parent.

The greatest gift I could give my daughter is first and foremost a love of self (I was going to write self-love but I know you with sick minds would take it somewhere else). If she is able to respect herself and make every choice based preservation of that respect she will be better off then I was. I want her to ask herself "who is this benefiting" before she acts. It may sound selfish but I would rather her look out for number one then what other people might think of her. I always wanted to be a tough as nails chick but I really wasn't. Maybe my daughter will be able to pull it off.

I shudder while watching shows like 90210 or Secret life of an American Teen. Sex seems so insignificant now days. It's like fucking mutant bees pollinating every flower it lands on. Don't get me wrong...white should not have been the color of my wedding dress. However, I did care deeply about everyone I was involved with...whether they cared about me was another story.

It seems that today the pressure to have sex is even higher then when I was a teen. Or maybe I'm confusing sex with sexuality. I just want my daughter to be above sending a naked photo of herself via cell phone at age twelve. As I told the 14 year old daughter of a friend yesterday "You have to make them work for it" I don't expect my children to never have sex. I just hope they make it worth it. I have a feeling that raising a daughter is going to be quite difficult in the upcoming years. Nothing seems to be sacred any more. Hopefully my daughter can hold onto her sense of self a lot longer then I did. I hope even more that she can just find an awesome man like her dad with out kissing a bunch of losers in the process.

I think this post may have jumped around a bit but I started it a week ago. My thoughts are usually a mumble jumble anyway. Rock on my fellow undercover mothers!